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QUOTES FROM JOURNAL 3
| Vol.3 Ad astra per aspera! (Latin: "Through hardships to the stars!") | |
| June 18, It's hard to believe it's been six years since I began researching the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon. In all my travels, never have I observed so many curious things! Gravity Falls is indeed a geographical oddity. But the strangest thing about this town is the question: WHY?? Why is it that this one remote location houses more paranormal, alter-average, and super-usual phenomena than any other location on Earth? There must be a hidden law of nature, a "Grand Unified Theory of Weirdness," which explains how everything in Gravity Falls is connected. My benefactors trust that I will use their grant money to discover something incredible, and I believe this Theory could be it. MY CONTINUING MISSION: Investigate the Oddities of Gravity Falls Discover the GRAND UNIFIED THEORY OF WEIRDNESS Publish theory and join the ranks of Newton, Tesla, & Einstein in the pantheon of science! [a vague drawing of some mountains rising out of a forest; the tallest mountain has a single eye] Some of my recent investigations include... | Encrypted: [very small symbols beside the mountain] (Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher: "IVE BEEN INSIDE YOUR MIND SIXER I KNOW YOUR SECRETS") |
| Do they ever need glasses?? "FLOATING EYEBALLS" Hard to catch. They either have the power to see the future or have amazing peripheral vision! are they watching me? Yes. What else would floating eyeballs be doing?
| Invisible Ink: "FLOATING NONSENSE!" I WAS WRONG TO WORRY ABOUT THESE THINGS! THEY ARE INCONSEQUENTIAL! PEPPER SPRAY MAKES 'EM GO AWAY!!! Both Encrypted & In Invisible Ink: L riwhq vhh vwudqjh wklqjv lq wkh fruqhu ri pb hbh. Qhz wkhrub- grhv wkh fruqhu ri brxu hbh dfwxdoob vhh dq dowhuqdwh sodqh ri uhdolwb? (Caesar: "I often see strange things in the corner of my eye. New theory- does the corner of your eye actually see an alternate plane of reality?") |
| Do not sleep with your windows open. DESMODUS ROTUNDUS is small, short-haired, and even-tempered. Nothing like Gravity Falls' GIANT VAMPIRE BATS!! Never slumber with them near. Mutated by waste dump? [_________________]—10 FEET [indicating wingspan] The summer heat seems to draw them from their caves. The locals pretend it's "mosquito season," but then why not use bug spray instead of garlic necklaces? Who do they think they are fooling? The bats will settle for cows or sheep but would much rather feed off some feeble human. Human blood tastes b[something heavily scratched out and unreadable]. I can only ASSUME human blood tastes better. I have not sampled human blood. | Invisible Ink: GIANT FRUIT BATS!! NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. ALL THEY WANT IS FRUIT. |
| An entry that is long overdue. Case #28 Never would I have believed that a simple doorway could spell your doom, but I have seen several tourists go through ordinary-looking doors and simply disappear into thin air, never to be seen again. This phenomenon is unexplained. Devious door-to-door salesmen? The lunar cycle seems to have something to do with it. [picture of a waning crescent moon] "Gateway Moon" [photo of a door with the number 13 on it] ↑ AVOID THIS DOOR ON MAIN STREET! Any door with the number thirteen appears to be a portal to a different plane of existence. Or instant death. Haven't had the nerve to test it. One briefly appeared in the basement. I lost my calculator inside. Cursed Doors KNOCK! KNOCK! WHO'S THERE? THE FORCES OF EVIL! DARK ENERGY READINGS 40% HIGHER THIS YEAR! Cursed doors are a common component of life in Gravity Falls. The locals know which doors to avoid. Visitors are left to fend for themselves. [something heavily scratched out and unreadable] The tourist bureau really should publish some sort of pamphlet. NOTE TO SELF: Write letter to tourist bureau. | |
| Myself As I've been cataloging these oddities, it has occurred to me that I have yet to turn the microscope on the oddity with which I am most intimately familiar: myself. If I succeed in publishing my theory, I am bound to become something of a public figure, so, for the sake of historical record, I should perhaps touch on the subject: Who am I? To put it simply, I am strange. I was born strange, I am attracted to the strange, and the strange has always been attracted to me. Where I grew up we were encouraged to follow rules and fit the mold. I recall finding a shrunken head in the family pawnshop & bringing it to show-and-tell. Every other student brought a football, a football trophy, or a book about football. All of these objects were thrown at me as I gave my report. If my brother hadn't shielded me and punched one of the other kids in the nose, I might have spent the rest of the year in the hospital. When I was growing up, nothing I ever did was right. My grades were too high and my social skill were too low. Worst of all, I was born with a rare birth defect: six fingers on each hand. Although my family tried to convince me that this made me special (and it did help with shadow puppets), I was mocked by classmates and shunned by girls. I would hide in the library, poring over books about the supernatural and searching for other freaks of the world like me. I still recall reading about the Bermuda Triangle as a child. The thought of a place where you could just disappear into the unknown fascinated me. Perhaps it was luck, perhaps destiny, but I have since found my very own Bermuda Triangle: Gravity Falls, the place where I fit in. It is here that I will find my grand theory and maybe find myself in the process. | |
| My Muse One more thing about me: I have a secret. Although I have relied my entire life on my intuition and intelligence to provide me with answers, two years ago I experienced a miracle while napping in the forest, and that has forever changed the way I think about the world and my place in it. I was contacted by a "Muse." I know it sounds crazy, but a strange being from a higher plane took sympathy with my search for knowledge and amazingly chose me to be a receptacle for divine and otherworldly insight. As preposterous as it sounds, this being has provided me, again and again, with eerily accurate tips and predictions that have aided me in my studies. Is this being a spirit, an alien, a dream, or merely part of my overactive imagination? Ultimately, interpretation is irrelevant. He is a fickle being who is unpredictable and only shows up when I least expect it. But I am always eager and ready for the next time he wishes to bestow his rare insights on my mind. NOTE TO SELF: Must keep this a complete secret. If anyone finds out about this, they will surely think I am insane, and my grant money may be revoked. It is best to leave this part of my research in the shadows. Now, back to my investigations! NOTE: BURN THIS PAGE AFTER RESEARCH IS COMPLETE! | Encrypted: [symbols that sort of blend into the sketched picture on two tree trunks] (Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher: "SPYING ON YOU WAS A BREEZE THERE ARE EYES INSIDE THE TREES") |
| Forest Oddities Moth Man This urban legend of the Pacific Northwest is more than a myth—it has been drawn to the bug-zapper in my backyard multiple times! Making high clicking sounds and feeding on stray dogs and hoboes, this 10-foot humanoid is terrifying but gets easily trapped behind screen doors. Do not touch! Dissolves into 100 fluttering moths on contact. Believed to start out as a "Caterpillar Man," but this has never been observed (yet). SEEN HOVERING BY LAMP POSTS & STOP LIGHTS Scampfire These spiderlike beasts pose as campfires, then spring to life when you get close. They like to eat campers' marshmallows and beans, but will feed on pretty much anything combustible. Can be doused with water, but will hiss. "Steve" Never actually seen its face. Covered in moss and mushrooms, hides in the forest, big enough to pick up my car and eat it. (Which it did—years ago!) My theory is that this is some species of tree-giant. Older than the town itself. Its legs look remarkably like trees, and considering how many lumberjacks are nearby, that probably explains why it's such a recluse. I tried to communicate with it by speaking in low tones through a megaphone, but it threw a deer at me, and so I decided to leave it alone. I call it Steve because it really acts like a Steve. Stomach-Faced Duck Some creatures in Gravity Falls inspire awe. Others inspire "AHHHHH!!!" I was immediately disturbed when I witnessed a flock of these malformed mallards swimming together in the center of the lake. I purchased a duck whistle at the bait shop to se if one would return my call. Indeed he did. But when his mouth opened, I could see his intestines and other vital organs! It was horrifying, although anatomically quite fascinating. I quickly lost my appetite and turned over my crackers and sandwich to the birds, who were happy to finish them off. One might make a good pet. That is, if you could get over the whole visible-intestines thing. | |
| The Invisible Wizard Don't believe your eyes? Good. You don't have to! This bizarre sorcerer is completely impossible to see with the naked eye. However, with night-vision goggles, I was able to get a brief glance of him trying on my suits in my closet. (He later turned my goggles into a bat.) POINTY HAT! With a hat like that, he has to be a wizard. Look at that ridiculous thing! GLOWING RAINBOW WAND The wand is really quite beautiful. Just stare at it. Piercing blue eyes, chiseled cheekbones—could be a model if he wasn't invisible. BELT OF POTIONS These must be what he drinks to stay invisible, and possibly to teleport through time. I don't know where he's from, but judging by the smell, I'm going to say it was a time when they hadn't yet invented showers. How to get rid of him? I may need to find another wizard to perform a "WIZZORCISM." (More on those in Journal 2). WHY IS HE HERE? | |
| The Bottomless Pit I want to "get to the bottom" of this mystery. But it seems impossible! This "Mobius Pit" seems to somehow impossibly loop back on itself. Many things that are tossed in are eventually tossed right back out. But SOME things never return... [drawing of pit showing that it measures 15' wide] It is nearly impossible to predict what will return and what won't. There are no discernible patterns in terms of time of day or weather conditions. Of course, socks never come back. Junk mail almost always does. Ironically, nothing ever seems to get lost on Friday the Thirteenth. The speed at which things return also varies, but experimentation has taught me that if something does not return within twenty-four hours, it never comes back. DO NOT THROW SOMETHING IN IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN! [drawing of a potential diagram of the Bottomless Pit, most of which looks like a mobius strip leading right back up—labeled "INFINITY LOOP"—with an offshoot near the bottom leading down to nowhere that says "HOLEY MOLY!" and "??"] One day I may have the courage to leap in out of curiosity. Although I might find myself on a plane of existence that I am not ready to handle (or just waste twenty-one minutes telling stories to myself to keep entertained). | Encrypted: [symbols] (Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher: "SOME OF THIS JUNK ENDED UP IN MY DIMENSION") |
| A Bit of History Weeks have passed, and I'm still no closer to discovering the Grand Unified Theory of Weirdness! Whenever I feel as though I've hit a roadblock, I like to read up on Gravity Falls' past in the public library. This town's history may hold clues to the source of its weirdness! GRAVITY FALLS: ASSEMBLED HISTORY 65 Mil Dinosaurs ruled. (Until they didn't.) 30 Mil CSO original impact. Valley formed. Tree ring interruption/radiation tests confirm. Tell no one about this. AD 1000 Native people mysteriously evacuate town in a hurry. Describe Gravity Falls as "cursed land." Leave behind treasure trove of pottery, blankets, & symbols. Some art depicts my Muse, and his interactions with a shaman named Modoc. Art hoarded by Northwests. [there's a lot more but it's boring] | Encrypted: [symbols] (Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher: "ASKED SHAMAN TO BUILD FIRST PORTAL BIG MISTAKE THE THING WAS MADE OUT OF TWIGS GUY LIT HIMSELF ON FIRE TO TRY TO END MY REIGN DRAMA QUEEN") |
| August 3rd The strange document has proven indecipherable. Nonetheless, I believe its very existence is proof enough that the Northwest family history is a fraud. I traveled to Northwest Manor to confront Old Man Northwest with this evidence of his family's deceit, but instead was met by his snotty son, Preston, and his pet fox, "Hunter." Not wanting my well-rehearsed tirade to go to waste, I launched into a list of his family's crimes: Lying about founding the town! Breaking treaties with the natives! Making self-promoting weather vanes! The boy was unmoved until I offhandedly mentioned the Great Flood of 1863. He was so panicked about what I said that he had me forcibly escorted from the premises. Have I stumbled upon one more misdeed of this accursed clan? I put one cover-up aside and have begun to investigate another! The Great Secret of the Great Flood I followed the flood path from Northwest Manor toward my own house and made a gruesome discovery. Countless lumber-folk died in the Flood of '63, and all of them were under the Northwests' employment. And it seems that many, if not most, of their cadavers had washed up DIRECTLY under my own porch, 100 years before I was here! No wonder Northwest Realty sold this land to me at a discount—this property is built on a graveyard! Which may explain why I have had so many recent sightings of... | Encrypted: [symbols] (Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher: "DONT CARE FOR PRESTONS FACE MIGHT FIX IT ONE DAY") |
| The Undead Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes, these creatures are often mistaken for teenagers. Beware Gravity Falls' nefarious zombies! Much [something heavily scratched out and unreadable] like teenagers, [something heavily scratched out and unreadable] they move in packs. They're very susceptible to bright lights and peer pressure. EXTREMELY DANGEROUS!!! Many seem to be undead lumberjacks from the flood, but since they bite new victims when they rise each month, I have seen a zombie mailman, a zombie cop, and a zombie Boy Scout. (I refused to buy his cookies.) [something heavily scratched out and unreadable] What if their [it's heavily scratched out, but still possible to read:] Must stop them at all costs. [scratched out but not very well:] Their skulls are unbreakable. I cannot find a single weakness. [something heavily scratched out and unreadable] I will watch my back at night and keep a shovel handy. Perhaps there is a nonphysical way to defeat them? Since learning how dangerous my own lab grounds are, I have been researching forms of magical defense against zombies Enchanted daggers are handy! (I don't recommend "double-edged swords," though.) It is possible to cure zombification! Mix one cup formaldehyde, one teaspoon salt, two teaspoons paint thinner, one quart newt's blood, and a pinch of cinnamon (for taste). This only works until the tenth hour following contamination. If you take it any later, you're undead meat! A zombie skull, ground up, can be used to coat your body. The smell will trick zombies (and anyone else, really) into avoiding you. | Invisible Ink: ZOMBIES HAVE A WEAKNESS! PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT TO BE INVINCIBLE, THEIR SKULLS CAN BE SHATTERED BY A PERFECT THREE PART HARMONY. |
| Spells For the sake of science, I suppose I should also include a zombie SUMMONING spell. I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this down, but I'm a stickler for being complete about a subject. Stonehenge was either a spell-amplification center or a place for the druids to play hide-and-seek. DO NOT READ ALOUD! This chant, when read aloud, will CONJURE ZOMBIES for about twenty-four hours. Like most curses, it is both a blessing and a curse. Actually, it's just a curse. Corpus levitas Diablo Daminium Mondo Vicium | |
| Magic Items While I'm on the subject, I would like to catalog some of the more recent magical and mysterious items I have encountered in Gravity Falls. These put the junk sold at my family's pawn shop to shame! CLOAK OF OCCASIONAL VISIBILITY Found in an ancient trunk at a local estate sale, this mysterious cloak makes its wearer completely invisible—half of the time. The other half of the time, it flickers on and off again, usually at the worst possible moment, while you wander around trying to find a good invisibility 'signal.' (Very frustrating.) CRYSTAL BALDWIN Found buried deep within the mines, this crystal head of a perpetually frowning bald man (labeled "Baldwin") tells your future, but always in rambling complaints. (Going to rebury him.) GIANT'S THUMB Found in the forest with no explanation of any kind. Not sure if it's magical, but it certainly is a good conversation starter. Currently using it as a coffee table. If I ever have a hitchhiking emergency, this will come in handy! (A bit concerned that an angry, thumbless giant may return to retrieve it.) | |
| Ghosts I now know why Dan feared lending me this cabin: it is EXCEEDINGLY haunted! But if there is one thing I know about hauntings, it is that they ALWAYS HAVE A REASON OF SOME KIND. Restless spirits are looking for someone to put them to rest. I will simply conduct a quick séance and ask the ghost what it needs. Although forming a circle is rather hard with one person... DON'T BE FOOLED BY GUYS IN SHEETS! I WAS WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING! Rather than lay the spirit to rest, my séance summoned an untold number of his unearthly brethren! The ghostly sphere is so much more complicated than I ever imagined! Over the past two sleepless nights, I have been bedeviled by no less than 10 distinct varieties of phantom, each deadlier than the last. | |
| Ghosts We start on the not-so-deadly end of the scale. CATEGORY 1 EH. Ghosts in this category pose no threat to humanity. In fact, their fondest wish seems to be an impossible desire to rejoin the human race—or at least become the best friend of whatever person they can latch on to. The Category One I encountered in Dan's cabin kept trying to get me involved in "G-rated adventures," oblivious to the fact that I am a man in his thirties and not a thirteen-year-old. KINDA CUTE→ [pointing to adorable ghost drawing] In other words, the only way a Category One can harm you is by annoying you to death. Making things float is their only real power. Remember: show no interest in them and they will disappear. One word of kindness is enough to keep them around for years to come! | Encrypted: FUHHSLOB ZKLVSHUHG "FDQ L NHHS BRX?" KRUULIBLQJ! (Caesar: "CREEPILY WHISPERED "CAN I KEEP YOU?" HORRIFYING!") |
| CATEGORY 2 PRANKSTERS Similar in appearance to Category Ones, Pranksters usually appear in groups of two or three. That's because if any of these jerks were on their own, they'd get their transparent butts kicked all the way back to the netherworld. Always have "Kick Me!" or "Possess Me!" signs they tape to your back. CATEGORY 3 GLUTTONS For creatures without physical bodies, Gluttons are able to generate an incredible amount of body odor. These rapacious wraiths will breeze right past you and attack the contents of your refrigerator. Unfortunately for them, they are not able to digest anything they consume. So all your food ends up on the floor. ("Gooer" from the movie "Phantom Bust-ifiers" was clearly inspired by these horrors.) | |
| CATEGORY 4 Haunted Paintings & Image-based Spectres [drawing of a painting of the silhouette of a woman with eyes glancing on the wall] ← SHE'S ALWAYS WATCHING!! You've heard of paintings where the "eyes follow you"? Well, turn your back [something heavily scratched out and unreadable] and this phantom [something heavily scratched out and unreadable] literally follows you [something heavily scratched out and unreadable] across the room! She was able to leap from image to image. Even appeared in my five dollar bill! This silver mirror proved to be her only weakness!→ [drawing of ghosty figure reflected in a mirror] SILVER Mirror shows spirit reflection! Apparently trapping them inside a silver mirror is the only way to stop them. I hid the mirror in the closet to try to drown out the annoying screaming. Category 4's have no "Inside Voice." | |
| CATEGORY 5 SOUL SUCKERS Soul Suckers feed on the "life force," of their human prey. They work slowly and silently. Given enough time they can consume their victim's entire soul. Fortunately, I discovered the one feeding off me rather quickly and squashed him like a supernatural mosquito. I have no idea how to clean the bits of life force off Dan's dining room table. CATEGORY 6 PHANTOMS OF PAIN These guys dress in black leather and have some sort of painful-looking jewelry sticking through various body parts. But what they really want to do is inflict pain on you. Luckily, they can't touch you unless you summon them. The phantom I saw at Dan's tried to pretend that I had asked for him, but I simply said, "Nope." He muttered some lame threats, shuffled his feet, and then disappeared. Jerk. CATEGORY 7 THE ETERNAL KEY One desperate soul in each generation is transformed into the Eternal Key, an unhappy apparition who never knows what she's supposed to do or where she's supposed to be. This makes for a very noisy haunting with lots of complaining. There's only one thing that will end the Eternal Key's torment, and she has no idea what it is. CATEGORY 8 THE PETRIFYING ROCK What she's supposed to do is open the Petrifying Rock, unleashing KRXSKXL the Unperceivable. (Whoever he is, he sounds nasty.) Luckily, these two have trouble synchronizing their schedules. The Key wandered around being obnoxious for a half hour and then disappeared. Ten minutes later, the Rock materialized. He gave one look around the place, sighed, and vanished. I have a feeling this happens a lot. | |
| CATEGORY 9 DREAM HIPSTER Dream Hipsters are nefarious spirits who specialize in turning perfectly pleasant dreams into horrying nightmares. And then get all boastful about it. These guys are never satisfied with simply scaring you to death. They need to bring you to the brink of extinction and then pull you back from it so you can admire their handiwork. Please, just kill me already if I can skip all the bragging! TURNS POWER NAPS INTO HORROR NAPS! After haunting me for 20 hours straight, the ghosts in Dan's place finally took a break. I fell asleep and immediately started dreaming. I was back in school, and everyone was staring at my hand. They all kept chanting, "Six-Fingered Freak! Six-Fingered Freak!" The more they chanted, the larger my hand grew. I tried to shake my hand to make it stop, and it fell off my arm! My hand grew and grew, and began to chase me! Suddenly, I realize my hand wasn't chasing after me at all—it was chasing after my brother, and it was going to squeeze him to death! It grabbed him and lifted him into the air. I tried to run to help him, but my feet were frozen. Just when it looked like my brother was done for, the Hipster appeared, and said, "LOOKS LIKE YOU FINALLY GAVE YOUR BROTHER A HANNNDD!" The entire thing was just a setup for one of the Hipster's stupid snarky puns! I woke up suddenly, thankful to be alive, and doubly thankful that I wouldn't hear any more dumb puns. However, I soon fell asleep again and the Hipster was back with another nightmare. This time, he interrupted his own work about halfway through to make sure that I knew who was responsible and that I had heard his new terrible joke. More nightmares followed, and with each one, some stupid one-liner. Well, I am not giving him the satisfaction of seeing any of them written down in this journal! | Encrypted: L suhihu guhdpv zlwk pb Pxvh. Kh wrog ph wkdw wkdw jxp L olnh lv jrlqj wr frph edfn lqwr vwboh. (Caesar: "I prefer dreams with my Muse. He told me that that gum I like is going to come back into style.") |
| As far as I can tell, Category 10's are the highest category of ghost there is, and the most dangerous. The Grim Reaper is merely the most famous of these phantoms and not nearly the most terrifying. The Grave Filler and the Slim Creeper are both more deadly. The Reaper simply has made an effort to get itself out in the public eye more than the others. Good PR. When the temperature in my cabin dropped 30 degrees, the deer heads on the wall began screaming, and the fireplace started to fill with blood, it occurred to me that I might have a Category 10 on my hands. When this figure arrived, I knew for sure! CATEGORY 10 DANGER! ADVICE: [there was a blank space here, where someone obviously came along after and added in blue pen:] Get the local rich girl to apologize to them! -Dipper If you "ain't afraid of no ghosts," you're an idiot. Fearing them is totally rational! I'd had enough ghosts for one lifetime! I immediately fled from the cabin, clutching my journal and still dressed in my flannel pajamas. | Invisible Ink: [the blank space under ADVICE now reads:] PRAY FOR MERCY! |
| WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! My terrifying weekend at Dan's cabin has left me more hopeless about my investigation than ever before, and I am beginning to reach my wit's end! Six years and three journals worth of research, and I am still no closer to finding answers than when I started! What is Gravity Falls' secret?! HOW IS EVERYTHING CONNECTED? And WHY HERE? I am exhausted and must sleep on it. Perhaps rest will do me some good. WHAT IS THE UNIFIED THEORY OF WEIRDNESS? | |
| The Muse has Spoken I awake after the longest slumber of my life with renewed energy and inspiration! My Muse, that strange, whimsical creature who speaks to me in my dreams, has returned to me at last, this time with an insight so brilliant it can only be described as divine intervention! All this time I've been looking for some common behavior to connect these anomalies, but what if what they all share is their HISTORY—a history that exists beyond our world, in another realm, or "dimension" of weirdness!? What if these various different creatures all "leaked" from their dimension into ours, and the leak is right here in Gravity Falls!? If I could locate and puncture this weak dimensional fiber and record proof of the dimension beyond, I would have my Grand Unified Theory of Weirdness! It is an idea so pure and powerful I never could have thought of it on my own. Sometimes I cannot believe how lucky I am to have come across my blessed Muse. How many other great historical minds has his brilliance inspired? Is he even real—or just a part of my fickle imagination? No matter—his insight is surely real, as are the blueprints he left me for a portal to another dimension.... A triangular superstructure will best absorb the operating force. The central lens requires an alloy made of cobalt, titanium, and molybdenum. The purist in me wants to build the machine from scratch. But given my time and financial constraints, it does not seem feasible. I will need to borrow certain elements from the resource I have turned to in years past for my more ambitious projects. [diagram labeled "recorded July eleven"] Seismic readings indicate that Crash Site Omega is still geologically stable enough for the removal of large amounts of material. But if my initial calculations are correct, then I may need to remove whole pieces of machinery, and damage the actual hull. Further study is needed before I shall proceed. The instructions to power this will be far too dangerous to put in one place. I may need to separate them throughout my journals to be safe. The enormity of this task begins to overwhelm me. I MUST NOT LOSE MY NERVE! | Encrypted: [symbols] (Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher: "ILL GET THIS PUPPY UP AND RUNNING ONE DAY AND NEITHER TIME BABY NOR THE BIG FRILLY KNOW IT ALL WILL STOP ME") |
| July 18th The design of the machine has hit a roadblock—my own embarrassingly limited mechanical knowledge. Why did I stop taking Hyper-Advanced Engineering and Fifth-Dimensional Calculus after only three semesters? For what? To "treat myself" to that second semester of Applied Quantum Phase Theory? Well, this is where all my slacking off has landed me. I have no choice. I must call up my old classmate and beg him to join me. He is the only person I trust enough to share in this undertaking. I must persuade him to harness his mechanical genius in service to this project, or else abandon my machine entirely. It has been a while since I've talked to another person. I should probably shower. July 20th Success! He has agreed to join me! With his assistance, I am confident we can complete the machine. He has already made several suggestions over the phone that I intend to incorporate into my revised designs. July 29th I am overcome with emotion. The sight of my old classmate upon my doorstep this morning filled my heart with such joy and gratitude. He has sacrificed so much to come to my aid. He has temporarily left his bride and their young son behind in California for the duration of this project. He has abandoned his own professional aspirations, although he has brought along a prototype of his pet project to fiddle with in his off-hours. After all these years of self-imposed solitude, how wonderful it is to have a friend by my side! I must do my best to make him feel at home.... I am off to the store for some banjo strings and microchips! | Encrypted: [symbols] (Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher: "ONE PEEK INTO MY DIMENSION AND THIS BUMPKIN LOST HIS WEAK LITTLE MIND ALL HE SAW WAS ME REMOVING MY EXOSKELETON TO FEED IF YOU CANT TAKE THE HEAT GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN JACK") |
| My Assistant The past few days have been the most energizing I've had since I first came to this town! I don't think I realized just how isolated I'd become until F arrived, and his brilliant mind and amusing quirks have made this task infinitely more enjoyable. I've told him no banjo playing after eight. Not a fan of his chewing tobacco habit. He grew up on a hog farm, so I suppose old vices die hard. He even casually hambones on his knees when he's counting in his head. I can put up with these quirks, but I told him if I ever see a pig in this house, I'm sending him back south! I double-check my equations. He quintuple-checks! I often catch him staring at this photo of his family back in Palo Alto. He says thinking of his loved ones keeps him grounded. (I have a similar picture on my desk of Nikola Tesla.) He carries new computing technology with him everywhere. He predicts in the future these disks will be ten times more floppy! "Portable Computer"—his pet project. He's made one for me that has extra orange master keys for my extra fingers. Honestly, not sure why I would use this thing—it's just a heavy, slow journal. I keep scrambling this "Cubic's Cube" when he's not looking, and he keeps solving it without hesitation. I think it would make him crazy to see it unsolved for more than two seconds. I'm thinking of modifying it to be unsolvable just to see the look on his face! | |
| Today while reviewing our portal blueprints and debating the latest fashion trend of "Leg Warmers," F asked me an odd question. He said that the plans in these blueprints were unbelievably complex, and he wondered if anyone else had helped me come up with the idea. I internally debated whether I should tell him about my Muse. F is a very superstitious man—he crosses himself when he walks over graves, and chastises me for saying, "What the Devil!" Although I have always wanted to tell someone about my divine experience, I worry that he might think I've gone mad all these years in seclusion, or worse—that I'm tangled in some kind of unsavory black magic. No matter. I told him that with hard work anything is possible, and gave him a stack of calculations to quintuple-check. Some secrets are best kept that way. Could F ever truly appreciate the complex fates that brought me and my Muse together? | |
| CODES: CAESAR ATBASH A1Z26 It occurs to me that if I must keep secrets from F, I might as well begin writing certain passages of this book in code. I aced Cryptology in college, so this will be fun! (At least for me. It would be deeply tedious and annoying for someone trying to decipher it.) It amuses me to think of their frustrating effort! | Encrypted: [symbols] (Bill's Symbol Substitution Cipher: "I CALL THIS FORDESE") [symbols] (Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher: "THE TIME YOURE WASTING DELIGHTS ME") Encrypted & In Invisible Ink: Mym oyqm zuryqlzjno razvi dm wvkqnc bj pwwyg jwesye smjktbfz. (Vigenère [Key: TRICKY]: "The most impossible thing to decode is human social behavior.") |
| 10:37AM - KBPS = 4.6!!! EXPEDITION! [something scratched out and unreadable] Today F came to me in a panic! (I can tell he's agitated when his knee is bouncing, and today his KBPS—knee bounce per second—was off the charts.) He said that powering my portal design would require a Temporal Displacement Hyperdrive, and that by his calculations humanity wouldn't be able to invent one of those for another ten thousand years! Imagine his surprise when I told him I knew just where we could get such a device! I decided it was time to tell him about Crash Site Omega. I sat him down, told him his entire life was about to change, and delivered the news. F's reaction did not disappoint! He was in such shock that he pulled out some of his hair! (I do worry about his tendency toward anxiety; I may need to train him in my advanced forms of meditation in the future.) When he finished wrapping his mind around the concept and pacing the length of the lab, he became very excited. Apparently, he's had an interest in this subject ever since his cousin Thistlebert claimed that his grandma was "taken by them saucer people." So, it's settled! We've decide to take a two-day hike up to the entrance of CSO to unearth the Hyperdrive and use it to power our portal. I've already begun packing for the trip! MAGNET GUN Modified from tech previously found at CSO. Will be necessary to scramble security. Must be careful not to point at the sky—don't want another downed helicopter incident.... COMPASS Pioneers thought Gravity Falls was haunted because their compasses went haywire the moment they entered the valley. I know better. Every compass in a one hundred-mile radius points to the crash site. Once it spins wildly, you've reached the epicenter. RADIATION GLOVES Wasn't easy modifying these for the extra fingers. JELLY BEANS My weakness. Always excited when I find a lumpy or strange one. Added them to the collection. SURVIVAL We will be venturing into some dangerous parts of the Uncharted Forest. Brought curses and spells if need for them arises. | |
| Day One! There is nothing quite like a lungful of fresh Oregon air to set one's spirits skyward. We spent the morning hiking up the granite pass to the lake, where my secret shortcut through the mountain is located. I remember in my youth I hated physical activity, but since my college years I've developed a rigorous daily physical and mental workout. I love Tesla, but if I look as emaciated as him when I'm in my seventies, shoot me with a death ray! If only my assistant had an exercise regimen like mine! Only one morning and he's already winded! He took a breather around midday and could be heard grumbling about wanting to invent a pair of robotlegs while he ate his sandwich. He even drew a diagram in the dirt with a stick. | |
| Island Head Beast IS THERE A CREATURE BENEATH THE ISLAND? GIANT TOOTH→ [drawing of giant tooth sticking out of the dirt] Yet another startling discovery at the lake! One of these "boulders" was in fact an enormous human-like tooth! There was evidence of nerve tissue on the root, plus crushed mollusks, fish bones, and a broken wristwatch at the crown. My assistant used a chisel (and some dental floss) to break free a few pieces as I puzzled over a theory... ONE GIANT HEADACHE! In my past observations, I have noticed that one of the lake's islands seems to be in a different location every morning. My conclusion is that this island is some kind of living creature and the owner of the tooth. Could it be that this serene mountain lake contains a genuine submerged Lovecraftian horror? I will have to return to investigate at a later date. Despite this bone-chilling thought, I couldn't help but enjoy the scenery. There is no other place in Gravity Falls I would rather be than the lake. It reminds me of my childhood and Glass Shard Beach... | Encrypted: L vwloo uhfdoo wkdw rqh vxpphu Vwdqohb dqg L kxqwhg iru wkh Mhuvhb Ghylo lq wkh Slqh Eduuhqv. Prp dqg Gdg qhyhu eholhyhg wkdw zh uhdoob vdz rqh.... (Caesar: "I still recall that one summer Stanley and I hunted for the Jersey Devil in the Pine Barrens. Mom and Dad never believed that we really saw one....") |
| Secret Tunnel BEHIND TREMBLEY FALLS We passed through the secret pass in the lake, a hidden tunnel behind Trembley Falls, and arrived right in the center of the mountain. The townsfolk seem wholly unaware of this system of ancient tunnels and caves, which appears to have been dug by a native populace before recorded history. (Who or what they were hiding from remains a mystery, although their cave paintings may provide answers.) Several hours of tunneling deep through the mountain and disaster struck: our lantern went out! I knew we should have brought flashlights, but in my foolish nostalgia, I brought this worthless Civil War-era piece of junk. Worst of all, we were in complete blackness and I couldn't restart it! (Leave it to me to bring a magnet gun by no matches.) As my assistant and I were arguing about what to do, we discovered that a strange LIVING mineral was watching us with GLOWING eyes. Several more pairs of glowing eyes appeared in the dark.... [picture of a person with a bow and arrow facing off against a pair of dinosaurs, one with three heads] CAVE PAINTINGS If these drawings are to be believed, the beasts that roamed ancient Gravity Falls were even stranger than the ones we see today! | |
| I believe we have discovered an entirely NEW classification of organism! GEODITES These creatures resemble a living geodes. They make high-pitched chirping and humming sounds, and amble about on clinking crystal legs. When I picked one up, it sand a baby-pitched little song, attracting several more of these creatures, who began inexplicably dancing about. Because they gave off a faint glow, I suggested to F that we try to gather them in a pile and use their light to lead us out of the tunnel. He had a better idea: he picked up two of them and banged them together, creating a spark that reignited our lantern. They all shrieked at the sight of the fire and scampered away. One bit my finger and drew blood! Luckily, this spark was all we needed to leave this bizarre cavern and continue on our way.... | |
| [drawing of constellations up in the night sky; orion, ursa major, and a triangle-shaped one with one eye and a bow tie labeled "WILLIAM"] FAVORITE CONSTELLATIONS↗ Finally, we reached the top of Gravity Peak and made camp for the night. As we stared up at Gravity Falls' beautiful and strange constellation patterns, we found ourselves discussing our future as if we were back in our old college dorm. F said that once our project was complete and he moved back to California, his dream was to become an independent inventor, patenting robotics that would improve people's lives. Plus, after growing up dirt-poor in Tennessee, he fantasized about making enough to afford a nice place with a screen door that wasn't broken. I could relate to his ambition. I discussed my dreams of proving my theory. I could finally leave Gravity Falls, return home to the East Coast, & publish my findings to the world. I'd be the toast of the scientific community, rubbing elbows with presidents and prizewinners, debating politics with Reagan, and discussing turtleneck fashion tips with Carl Sagan. Imagine the look on the dean of West Coast Tech's face when he saw that the student he refused was now the next Einstein! Imagine how proud my family and hometown would be: the "Freak" would return a hero! F seemed puzzled by the scope of my plans. I had already discovered so many amazing things and recorded them in the journals—was this "Grand Theory" even necessary? Why not publish now, settle down, maybe meet someone and start a family? I laughed at the thought. Romance was far more baffling to me than the greatest mysteries of the universe. And more importantly, once Gravity Falls is revealed to the world, it would surely create a "Weirdness Rush" of scientists flocking to the town. If I don't discover the theory first, surely one of them will—and my name would be lost to the history books. It hasn't been an easy path, but I prefer the road less traveled anyway. (Although I confided in F that I was grateful to be traveling it with a friend.) | |
| I awoke the next morning to the sound of screaming! (Which, in Gravity Falls, is more common than you might think.) Apparently F had been up early shaving (the speed of his facial hair growth is a mystery of its own) when he spied something menacing standing behind his reflection in the creek. But when he turned around to smack the intruder with his banjo, it was gone! Strange things are always found in this hidden pass! As I surveyed the camp, I felt a hand tapping on my neck. I whipped around in a panic but found there was nothing there. An eerie gust of wind carried my gaze to an ancient, moss-covered wooden sign on which was carved a strange poem: BUT WHEN YOU TURN TO MEET HIS STARE, HE'S NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. HIDE YER LUMBER, CLUTCH YOUR AX, AND TURN YOUR LANTERNS OUT. BEST TO WATCH YOUR BACK, MY FRIENDS, THE HIDE-BEHIND'S ABOUT. I'd heard enough lumberjack lore to know we were in the presence of.... The Hide Behind Legends describe a being with an impossible ability to hide before it is seen. But what is he? A ghost, a living shadow, or just a malnourished Peeping Tom with a fear of eye contact? Is this Peripheral Phantom watching me right now? [sketch of long, two-toed tracks] ↖FOOTPRINTS! NEVER BEEN SEEN! A strange HOWL echoed through the air as F and I packed up quickly and quietly and walked backwards out of camp. I told F to keep his shaving mirror handy to look back just in case. I may return to this camp one day once the hairs on my neck finally stand down. | |
| Crash Site Omega The site looked exactly the same as I had left it two years ago (referenced in Journal 2), with the ladder I had constructed leading down through the indefinite exhaust port. F was so excited when he saw it that he spit out [his] milk. We descended into the abyss together. What a pleasure it was to share one of my greatest secret discoveries with another brilliant mind! As we journeyed through wreckage, I could see F filled with the very same awe I felt when I first came upon the site. I will say that I am cautious to record too much about the CSO here. If the wrong people discovered what is buried, it could be catastrophic. The last thing I want is a "Close Encounter" with the government! Fortunately, with F's mechanical know-how and my keen intuition, we were able at last to locate and extract The Hyperdrive We recovered the drive and stored it snugly in F's backpack. What a good feeling it was to complete our mission! Very soon both our scientific ambitions would be fulfilled. My Muse was right. Sometimes all genius needs is a little help from a friend. | |
| A New Path Emboldened by our success, we tromped down a shortcut through the mountain, talking excitedly about the future. Winding through the cliffs, we passed a skeleton of a massive species of pterosaur, bigger than anything known to science. Stranger still, the bones appeared to not be fossilized. F cowered at the sight of its massive jaws. I'm continually surprised by his childlike fear in the face of some of the anomalies of this town. We were about to continue down the mountain when I saw one of the most rare beasts in Gravity Falls—and, just my luck, it was fast asleep in our path! F begged for me not to disturb it, but I know from experience that they are incredibly heavy sleepers. In theory, even a novice could capture and cage one without it ever awakening from its hibernation. I couldn't miss the chance to creep up and do a detailed sketch of... | |
| The Gremloblin Half-gremlin, half-goblin. Proof that some creatures should NOT interbreed. (See Leprecorn and the WereMaid [Journal 1].) It's hard to look at, and even harder to say its name three times fast! The creature is even uglier up close than I had expected. As I was sketching, my assistant became increasingly agitated. He cowered behind a tree and pleaded for me to move along. Just as I was telling him not to worry, the Hyperdrive, which I had thought was inactive, emitted an ear-piercing alarm from F's backpack! (Perhaps the altitude-based change in air pressure had kick-started it.) The Gremloblin awoke with a start, grabbed my assistant with his enormous claws, and stared intensely into F's eyes! CLAWS EMIT NEUROTOXINS! → [a sketch of one of its claws] I was impressed to get such an amazing view of the elusive creature, but now was not the time for sketching! Hoping to startle the beast, I hurled my canteen at him, splashing him with water. A word of advice to future reachers: when fighting a Gremloblin, use water... ONLY as a last resort, as water will make it much, MUCH scarier! [sketch of Gremloblin transformation] He mutated before my eyes and, with a mighty heave of his wings, took flight down the mountain with my assistant in his grasp! I sprinted down the cliffside after the creature, tearing my coat and scraping myself bloody, watching helplessly as the monster flew farther into the distance. It was clear that I was going to lose F forever if I didn't think fast, so I whipped out my magnet gun, pointed it at the Hyperdrive still cradled in F's arms, and, with a magnetic rush, was pulled fifty feet up through the air onto the Gremloblin's back. One hard blow to the back of the head with my gun and he was out cold. He careened down through the air—taking me and F with him. A necessary gamble! We crashed through a barn roof and were fortunate enough to land in a soft, cushioning hayloft. The Gremloblin was knocked out, and the startled horses began to calm down. The Hyperdrive was thankfully in an empty trough, safe and sound. F, however, was far worse for wear. He seemed utterly panicked by what he had experienced, and was in such a babbling state of terror he didn't even seem to notice that his arm was broken and pierced in several places with the Gremloblin's venomous quills. I immediately took him home for treatment. | |
| Great news: the Hyperdrive works! Clearly the civilized beings who created this technology were far better engineers than they were pilots. Unfortunately, the Hyperdrive requires highly radioactive materials to stay powered, but I was able to raid a government waste dump nearby with ample materials. (Frankly, it's worrisome that these barrels would be buried so close to town. I'm doing a public service by removing them.) Despite our fortune, I have become worried about my assistant. I was able to treat his physical wounds, but I fear there are mental wounds not as easily remedied. For the past several nights, he has been unable to sleep, apparently still haunted by the Gremloblin's gaze. More alarming is his Cubic's Cube. It has sat scrambled, unfixed, on his desk for days. I myself have survived many monster attacks without trauma, but perhaps F is more sensitive than I realized.... I spent the afternoon teaching F some of my meditation techniques and a heart rate-slowing exercise I learned to help control fear. F seemed skeptical, but I reminded him that we are scientists, and that by using our creativity we can solve any problem we face—even our fears. | |
| My assistant took my advice in the worst possible way. Today, he ran up to me beaming and saying he had spent all night working on a solution to his anxiety. He produced this unsettling device. Apparently, it can target and destroy bad memories—including his frightening encounter with the Gremloblin. Memory Gun WHAT IF IT GETS IN THE WRONG HANDS? Blast Shield—not nearly large enough. What if the blowback affected the user? Bulb—blasts a wave of radiation strong enough to disassemble the neurological pathways that contain memory. Is it permanent? Memory Canister—holds a spool of electric tape that is supposed to copy and store the memory for later use. Output Jack—to use on a wider scale. The potential applications are alarming! Specifier—allows the user to type out and target specific memories. I shudder to think what a typo could produce.... I didn't hesitate to let F know that, despite his good intentions, this device was far too dangerous to keep. The temptation for misuse was catastrophic. For all I know, he's already used the ray on me before! He was crestfallen by my advice, but after some discussion he came to see the wisdom in it. He said that he didn't want to risk forgetting his wife and son. I ordered him to destroy the gun, and he did. At least I think he did... I can't quite remember.... | |
| The Carnival In order to get F's mind off his recent trauma, I decided it was time to take a break from our project. Fortunately, I read in the newspaper that "Mama Misfortune's Traveling Carnival and Freak Show" was in town for the day. Although I loathe the nickel-grubbing circuses and sideshows (I was swindled enough as a kid on the boardwalk), I've learned that every so often there's something real mixed in with the fakes that is worth studying. This means new discoveries for me, and a day of relaxation for my poor beleaguered assistant. Sure enough, he was ecstatic at the prospect of watching pig races and eating kettle corn, and very soon we were on our way. He's already begun playing with his Cubic's Cube again. This will do him some good. My excitement turned out to be short-lived. The first "beast" I encountered at the fair was literally a chicken duct-taped to a silverback gorilla. A plaque called it the Gorr-Icken There was no explanation given for the wizard hat it wore—merely a sign reading "Cash Only. Shockingly, the townsfolk seemed delighted, and I could barely get past the throng to the front of the line. This town has the most gullible people on Earth. Someone with no ethics could make money hand-over-fist in Gravity Falls! | |
| The Palm Reader F was clearly having the time of his life. He had just bet on a pig race and won first prize by using advanced probability calculations. I noticed a "palm reader" and was galled to see how long the line was to this obvious charade. The dim intellect of the citizens of this town continues to astound. I pondered how gratifying it would be to publicly expose such a charlatan and realize that I had a rare opportunity. Surely this "Palm Reader" had never seen a six-fingered hand like mine. She'd likely be so stumped by my extra digit that I could expose her for the fraud she was! I walked into a darkly lit tent smelling of incense. A strange gnarled crone waited at a rickety table. She seemed to have a collection of severed hands in a cage but it may have just been the light playing tricks on me. When I sat down, she quickly grabbed my hands and said, "What took you so long, Sixer?" I felt a chill run down my back. How she knew my childhood nickname was beyond me. Before I could muster a response, she opened a pack of tarot cards and lined them up on the table. When she saw the results, she shrieked and looked at me with a great and pained sympathy. "Someone very close to you is deceiving you. You have chosen the wrong allies. You will live two lives and both of them too short... unless you change now. She handed me a strange blue ring. "When this is blue, you may pull through. When this is black, you can't turn back." I told the psychic to skip the rhymes and get to the palm reading. I already felt uncomfortable enough, and was looking forward to getting out of there. With a sigh, she got to it. Trigger Finger—She said I need to think before I shoot. Short Relationships—She said, "No one wants to hold a rose with too many thorns." I never understood poetry, to be honest. Long Wisdom—She claimed I was too smart for my own good. Personally, I took this as a compliment. A Crossroads—Apparently, I will have to make a choice very soon, and if I choose the wrong one I will never be myself again. (Perfectly sane life advice from a lady who lives in a traveling wagon full of severed hands.) A Broken Life Line—She said that my life line seemed to end abruptly and start again sometime later. Clearly, this is an inexact science. | |
| The Carny As I hurried from the tent, I found my assistant cheerfully fixing some gears on a broken Ferris wheel and chatting with an odd young carny. Although this seedy character was little more than a teenager, his bald head was covered with strange tattoos, bearing a striking resemblance to the defunct scientific field of Phrenology. The young man (NAME TAG: "Ivan Wexler") was in the middle of telling a fretful anecdote. Apparently, the other carnies made fun of him for his head tattoos. When he told the bullies to stop, they locked him in the "HAUNTED FREAK HOUSE" for an entire night, which had utterly terrified him. He lost sleep for weeks and wished he could forget the entire thing. F whispered something to the man and handed him a piece of paper with a symbol on it, which I didn't get a good look at. Perhaps I should have inquired, but I was in no mood to spend another second at this ridiculous fair. I took one last look down at my hand and was strangely relieved to find that the palm reader's ring was still blue. I shoved it in my pocket, collected F, and tried to put the whole experience out of my mind. | |
| Palm reading is ridiculous. I can't believe I dignified that with my time.... [drawing of a scrambled cipher wheel] ← The ancients made primitive charts like this to predict the future, and even this was more advanced than "Palmistry." I may want to study up on ancient forms of prediction. That'll show that witch! | Encrypted: [symbols] (Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher: "NEVER TRUST A WITCH THEYLL CURSE YOUR EAR AND TURN YOU INTO AN IMMORTAL GOAT SO I HEAR") |
| Squash with Human Face and Emotions HE'S GOURD-GEOUS! F bought this as a gift for me at the fair. I appreciate the sentiment, but it's hideous! He pulled it out of a barrel of "reject gourds" because he said it reminded him of me! (I suppose I did inherit my dad's nose.) I kept it on a shelf in the lab (out of politeness) and tried to forget about it, but I could swear the gourd has been making moaning sounds while I work. Its expression changes on a daily basis, and it seems to be growing something resembling an arm out of its back. Politeness or no, I'm throwing this thing out! SEEDS WITH WARTS→[drawing of seeds] (FUTURE GENERATIONS) | Encrypted: [symbols] (Author's Symbol Substitution Cipher: "DON'T EAT HIM!") |
| A New Concern This morning over ham sandwiches, my assistant brought up a troubling subject. Supposing we are indeed successful in opening the portal to the source of Gravity Falls' weirdness—what if any more weirdness leaks into our dimension? Or, more tantalizingly, what if we're able to capture some new and rare creatures from this unimaginable alternate universe? In the event of such a development, we will need somewhere to store and study these dangerous specimens where they can't endanger the townsfolk or interfere with our work. F has proposed that we build an additional underground laboratory, one designed with the utmost precautions in paranormal security. An impermeable bunker where we can contain and observe these specimens away from my home base and the possibilities of being witnessed by the townsfolk. As much as I hate to delay construction of the portal, F is right. We will begin building this containment unit at once. We found a location for our hidden storage bunker! Deep in the forests behind my cabin, there are trees so massive and powerful that many of them have stood for hundreds (if not thousands) of years. F discovered that one of them has a hollowed-out trunk, making it the perfect entrance for our secret hideout. I'll admit that this project has sidetracked us a bit, but is there a scientist alive who could resist the lure of building a secret lair? With an internal system of rotating hydraulics (controlled by an access panel hidden beneath the bark), we created a hidden entrance. HIDING SPOT? The excavation was difficult, but F insisted that he could do it on his own (although I could have sworn I saw some lumberjacks helping him with the labor). When I questioned the lumberjacks about our secret project, however, they seemed to have forgotten the whole thing, so it must have been a figment of my overworked imagination. This hidden bunker will be the perfect place to store any specimen too dangerous for the outside world (and to maybe play some D & D & More D, if time permits). | |
| The Bunker The plan is coming along great. F never ceases to amaze me with his skill for construction. (Just today he showed me a "cellular" telephone he built, which was incredibly only the size of a cinder block!) This place has everything! Ⓐ BUNKER For overnight research. Think I accidentally lost F's SHMEZ dispenser down here. Don't tell him. Ⓑ SECURITY ROOM A sinisterly complex trap designed to crush any intruder who doesn't have the code. Seems a bit excessive—but once F starts inventing, he can't stop! Ⓒ OBSERVATION ROOM To study otherworldly creatures at a safe distance. Also soundproof, so we can say insulting things about our specimens freely. Ⓓ STORAGE ROOM The dirty around this is surrounded by solid bedrock and reinforced with steel—no way our specimens will escape. [drawing of a skeleton with a mole-like skull] ← MOLE MAN No lair is complete without one! On second thought... may want to remove this skeleton. Hopefully none are alive.... | |
| I have to admit that my assistant really topped himself with the security precautions! F says it was inspired by the popular Russian arcade puzzle game "Soviet Blocks," although I think it looks more like his beloved cube puzzle. Either way this ever-changing mechanical trap is designed to perplex and capture a creature of any possible size and shape. Sometimes I think how fortunate I am to be friends with F... because if this room is any indication, it would be terrifying to be his enemy! I have written down the security code here, because if I ever forget it, it will be the last mistake I ever make! SECURITY ROOM [diagram of symbols for the code] KEEP OUT INTRUDERS I may wish to keep my remaining college grant money down here. This lock is more impenetrable than any bank on Earth! And no long lines. | Invisible Ink: [the correct code shows under blacklight] |
| Cryogenic Tube We've found our first specimen! During the dig, I discovered a large blue egg containing an utterly bizarre creature. This squishy, maggot-like hatchling has a unique ability: he can transform his body into anything he sees! I quickly caged this marvel, and have been feeding him F's canned beans, which he devours ravenously. F says we should freeze it right away to test out our cryonics, but I've grown attached to the creature. FOUND WHILE EXCAVATING! WATCH YOUR FINGERS! DNA CONSTANTLY CHANGES | |
| Tests For the past week, I have conducted all manner of tests on the specimen (whom I named "Shifty") to get a sense of his unique biological makeup. Although I've yet to determine his origin, I've recorded countless incredible forms. Shifty has such a delightful temperament—transforming into a tail-wagging dog when he's happy and a prickly sea urchin when he's sad. I have shown him photos of a number of different animals and he always matches them perfectly. (Although I am careful to only show him small herbivores. The books on large predators are strictly off-limits.) I have also become careful to wear a surgical mask while around him—the possible repercussions if he got a good look at my face are somewhat unnerving. Every day, Shifty grows bigger and bigger—I had to upgrade from the small kennel box to a full-sized steel cage. While working late in the bunker, I heard a high, otherworldly, parrot-like voice call out "Beans." Shifty has learned to speak! A few words at first, but every day he's been learning longer sentences. Increasingly, he asks "Who am I?" He is an avid learner—and has asked on multiple occasions to see my journal, but I have declined for obvious reasons. (There are over 100 forms in this book that I'd never want to see him take.) Fiddleford has become increasingly skeptical of the creature, reminding me every day that the only reason we're keeping him is to test the cryogenic tube once it's complete. Apparently, F's farmhand upbringing has made him unsentimental towards what he sees as "livestock." | |
| TROUBLE IN THE BUNKER One night while working late, F came to me in a panic. He was coughing a lot, said he had a sore throat, and asked if he could look in my journal for a remedy. His throat really did sound awful, but I told him to simply use the cough drops in the first aid cabinet. He grew increasingly insistent that only the journal had the answer. Finally I relented, and went to my bunk to find the journal. As I was unlocking the door, I heard what sounded like muffled screaming coming from a cabinet. I opened it up, and was shocked to discover F—my assistant—bound by rope and gagged with a sock! In an instant, the grim horror of what had happened came over me. My eyes shot to SHIFTY'S steel cage, which had been busted open. I untied F, whose anxiety had rendered him nearly mute, and we quickly concocted a plan. Using some gold spray paint, I drew a crude 6-fingered hand on a plumbing manual. I tossed it in one of our cryonic tubes, and then ran back to the surveillance room. The "imposter" F had been waiting impatiently, shaking involuntarily in his chair. I noticed that his "hands" were so strong that they had bent the steel in the armrests. I told him that in my carelessness I had left my journal in the cryonics room. DO NOT LET OUT! FORM #6 [drawing of shadowy monstrous shapeshifter form] ← EXTREMELY UNPREDICTABLE! IT'S TOO POWERFUL! He darted off for the journal, and the instant he stepped inside the cryonics tube, I slammed the red button, trapping him in. HE SCREAMED, and took on a form I'd never seen. He pounded on the glass and froze before my eyes. I felt remorseful for having to freeze my former pet, but even worse that I'd been fooled—and that F had almost paid the price. IT CAN TRANSFORM! After this incident, we'd both lost a bit of our momentum on this "storage" concept. We agreed to put this thing behind us, seal off the security measures, and return after the portal was complete. If this creature ever escaped... It's a thought too horrifying for me to imagine! I may rip out these pages to sleep better at night. IT'S PLAYING TRICKS ON ME! | Encrypted: [symbols] (Bill's Symbol Substitution Cipher: "AM I ME IS HE ME") |
| An Encounter [a large drawing of the burning handshake] I apologized profusely to F for another traumatic experience. I told him that once we complete the portal, all of this will have been worth it. We're almost there! We have nearly completed the portal and will soon be ready to test it, but we have several more long nights before our work will be ready. I recently find myself frustrated by the necessity of sleep. Think—if the average person sleeps 8 hours a day, they will spend approximately one-third of their entire life asleep. What a waste! In this regard, I find myself especially jealous of my Muse. He has discussed with me at length the freedoms afforded to him by virtue of being a non-corporeal entity. He is free—truly free—from the physical and biological restraints of our world. This past evening around midnight, it was my assistant who fist succumbed to fatigue. The 13 cups of coffee I had given him and record of frenzied bluegrass we were playing still weren't enough to keep him awake. He chided me—as he often does—for staying up too late. "Don't forget what happened to Icarus," he told me as he packed up his things and left. "He didn't flap hard enough," I replied. As impressive as F's mechanical knowledge is, he sometimes frustrates me. I knew that if we needed to stay on schedule I would need to work at least another 3 hours. But as the minutes ticked by, I, too, began to feel fatigue's wretched powers pull on my eyelids. It was at this moment that my Muse appeared before me with a tantalizing offer! He said he took pity on my frail human body, and offered to take it over for a while to help me finish my calculations while I slept. I can think of few times I have known such gratitude—it was almost as though he had read my mind! He held out his hand and I gladly accepted. Although I know that the image of him I see only exists within my mind, I insist that when my hand was engulfed in the blue flames I felt a physical chill. It fascinated me. To put your hand in the fire and not get burned... this is a feeling like no other. I awoke this morning to find that my Muse was true to his word! There in my notebook were 6 hours worth of beautifully written calculations, perfectly sufficient to keep me on schedule. My assistant's expression when he saw me fully alert and smiling, with a huge stack of calculations at my side—I had to stifle my laughter. If only he knew the powers of my "imaginary" friend. | Encrypted: Pb Pxvh kdv zduqhg ph wkdw pb dvvlvwdqw pdb qrw eh frpplwwhg wr wkh fdxvh. Kh wklqnv wkdw I lv qrw erog hqrxjk wr iroorz wkurxjk. L zruub kh pljkw eh uljkw. (Caesar: "My Muse has warned me that my assistant may not be committed to the cause. He thinks that F is not bold enough to follow through. I worry he might be right.") [symbols] (Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher: "THANKS FOR LETTING ME BORROW YOUR BODY SIXER ENJOY THE MYSTERY BRUISES") |
| FINALLY, THE TIME HAS COME TO TEST! There is no way either of us is foolhardy enough to jump ourselves! Will use a mannequin to test. F has become increasingly finicky about the entire test. He seems to check and recheck the calculations. He's nearly as agitated as during the Gremloblin attack. I worry about his resolve. Despite his concerns, the portal is coming along wonderfully! NASA could only dream of what's happening in my basement! FUEL GAUGE Must recalibrate so that we don't short-circuit the entire town (again). If it does not make me famous, the power bills will bankrupt me. All is ready for our first major test. If my Muse is correct, the Grand Unified Theory of Weirdness will be mine! I now know how Newton, Einstein, and the other giants of science felt right before they walked their way into the history books. If all goes well, I shall soon be counted among their ranks. | |
| Jan 17th [sketch of a diner table, with a coffee cup and spoon; also on it is a napkin with a graph sketched on it labeled PROBABILITY OF FAILURE, with the arrow swooping drastically upwards] It is the night before testing day, and I'll admit that tensions are high. An hour ago, F and I had dinner at the local diner with the intention of toasting to our future success. But when I raised my glass, F couldn't meet my gaze. He told me that he was having second thoughts about the entire mission, and nervously slid a napkin across the table. On it was a diagram with the words "Probability of Failure." He said that his final calculations had revealed deep flaws in our design—flaws that could have disastrous consequences. He felt we were being reckless, and urged me to reconsider the whole plan, for the safety of the town. Again, he questioned me about where I got the idea of this portal, and I almost considered telling him the truth... until he showed me something that shocked me. In his trembling hands was a thesis paper: "The Astonishing Anomalies of Gravity Falls" with MY NAME credited underneath. He explained that he had spent the last three days working without breaks and had written a paper exhaustively chronicling all my greatest discoveries. "Publish this," he said, placing it on the counter. "This is your research, I merely went through the trouble of cataloging it for you. There are enough discoveries here to make you a multimillionaire. With this, you will have everything you ever wanted, and you won't need to go through with this risky test. Forget about the portal and the Grand Unified Theory of Weirdness! Publish this, get your life back, and move on!" It was just as my Muse had warned me. How could someone I trusted for so long actually suggest giving up now, when victory was nearly in our grasp? Was he planning on leaving me the scraps while he discovered the Grand Unified Theory of Weirdness himself? Was I to be a forgotten Tesla to his backstabbing Edison? I asked for the check and refused to even give his insulting "thesis" paper a glance. "We will do the test tomorrow night at eight o'clock sharp," I told him. "Be there or get left behind. The choice is yours." I walked home in the murky twilight and felt something in my pocket. It was the ring that the "Palm Reader" had given me at the carnival. It was black. I tossed the ring into the lake. Superstitions are for the weak. I am a scientist. And after tomorrow, I'll be a great one. | |
| [a large drawing of the portal blueprints, spanning across two pages] | Encrypted: Fdoleudwh wkh rvfloodwru wr 618. (Caesar: "Calibrate the oscillator to 618.") Fkdujh Foxa Idsdflwru (Caesar: "Charge Clux Fapacitor") [symbols] (Bill's Symbol Substitution Cipher: "THE PORTAL WHEN COMPLETED WILL OPEN A GATEWAY TO INFINITE NEW WORLDS AND HERALD A NEW ERA IN MANKINDS UNDERSTANDING OF THE UNIVERSE") Rdvlv- 153.4, Fkdvp- 130.3, Forfn Wrzhu- 55.6, Fubvwdo Iruhvw- 15.0, Xqghujurxqg Wxqqho- 212.2. (Caesar: "Oasis- 153.4, Chasm- 130.3, Clock Tower- 55.6, Crystal Forest- 15.0, Underground Tunnel- 212.2.") Hqwhu Vhfxulwb Frgh "Hpphulfk" (Caesar: "Enter Security Code "Emmerich"") Dffhvv Zklvwoh lq Zruog 1 wr Zdus wr Zruog 2, 3, ru 4 (Caesar: "Access Whistle in World 1 to Warp to World 2, 3, or 4") Wkh rughu ri wkh Pdunhu Vzlwfkhv lv rq sdjh 158 (Caesar: "The order of the Marker Switches is on page 158") Invisible Ink, when combined with the other journals: THE MACHINE WAS MEANT TO CREATE KNOWLEDGE BUT IT IS TOO POWERFUL! THE DEVICE, IF FULLY OPERATIONAL COULD TEAR OUR UNIVERSE APART! I WAS WRONG THE WHOLE TIME! IT MUST NOT FALL INTO THE WRONG HANDS. IF THE CLOCK EVER REACHES ZERO OUR UNIVERSE IS DOOMED! TOTAL GLOBAL DESTRUCTION! |
| NO!!! CURSE THE WORLD, CURSE THIS TOWN, CURSE THE FATE THAT BROUGHT ME HERE! My hands are trembling as I write this, and I must pause to wipe the sweat from my brow. The portal test was a DISASTER. In F's fatigue, he accidentally left the rope wrapped around his waist, and once the dummy was released, F's entire body was pulled into the portal along with it! Luckily, I was able to grab hold of the rope and pull him back into our dimension, unharmed. I knew that ,despite the accident, F had experienced a remarkable opportunity to confirm or deny our theory! But F would tell me nothing of what he witnessed on the other side of the portal—he was so frightened and angry over the whole ordeal that he spouted some nonsense about "The Apocalypse," and in a huff he quit the project! After everything we have done together, he had the nerve to grow cold feet now?! After he had succeeded in being the first man to enter a parallel dimension, he took this gift and threw it away? Imagine if Neil Armstrong's first words on the moon were "I Quit!" Well GOOD RIDDANCE, F, you weak-willed hayseed! Go back to your doting family and a life of fear and compromise! I weep now not for our failed partnership, but for the golden opportunity thrown away. To think I considered him a friend! I know my true friend. It is my Muse. I will speak with him tonight. I will seek his counsel. | |
| Something is not right. I am used to hearing my Muse's voice in my head on occasion. But now suddenly I hear whispers. The murmuring voices of beasts. The echoing howls of lost souls. This is not right at all. It is almost as though my Must is contacting others. Ghouls from another world. The more I listen, the more I am convinced it is NOT my imagination. My head throbs. My eye burns. I hear my Muse say something.... "The door is open".... What have I done? | Encrypted: [symbols] (Bill's Symbol Substitution Cipher: "FEAR THE BEAST WITH JUST ONE EYE") |
| [two pages scribbled all over with black ink, covered with drawings of slitted eyes, written in red ink] MY MUSE WAS A MONSTER I WAS A PUPPET F WAS RIGHT | Encrypted: [symbols] (Bill's Symbol Substitution Cipher: "INTERDIMENSIONAL CHESS ISN'T FUN WHEN YOU'RE A PAWN") [symbols] (Bill's Symbol Substitution Cipher: "THE DEVIL HAS A SILVER TONGUE") [symbols] (Bill's Symbol Substitution Cipher: "IF ICARUS COULD SEE ME NOW") [symbols] (Bill's Symbol Substitution Cipher: "SIX EIGHTEEN") |
| Bill Cipher ATBASH A1Z26 [the above is viciously scribbled over in red and the following scrawled underneath it:] BILL CAN'T BE TRUSTED! I must now reveal the name of my "Muse." Beware Bill! The most powerful and dangerous creature I've ever encountered. This nightmare in disguise will seduce you with never-ending flattery until he gets what he wants—and what he wants is the destruction of this reality! Whatever you do, never let him into your mind. There is no telling what damage Bill might do. How many of my thoughts have been manipulated? Dreams corrupted? Has he possessed others? According to my research, his deceit can be detected. It is possible to follow the demon into a person's mind and prevent his chaos. DO NOT SUMMON AT ALL COSTS! | Encrypted: [symbols in yellow ink, UNDER where Bill's name is scrawled] (Author's Symbol Substitution Cipher: "LIAR MONSTER SNAPPY DRESSER") |
| IN ORDER TO SEE who has been possessed recently, one must simply recite this incantation: "Videntis Omnium. Magister Mentium. Magnesium Ad Hominem. Magnum Opus. Habeus Corpus. Inceptus Nolanus Overratus. MAGISTER MENTIUM!" x3 But far more important is to prevent him from entering MY mind again. I realize that the only way to do this is try to sleep as little as possible. Any moment I close my eyes, he may try to control me again. I may need to resort to drastic measures to stay awake.... TEMPORARY SOLUTION ↓ [sketch of taping one's eyes open] I'll be damned if I let that demon deceive me again. The portal was never meant for my research at all. I was tricked into creating a doorway to his nightmare dimension—to let him into our world! I must shut down the portal at once, and come up with a plan to destroy Bill altogether. F is nowhere to be found, so I must redouble my research to discover Bill's weakness. I pray that I can prevent the darkness that F saw coming. If only I had listened to him when I had the chance... [sketch of a pot of coffee and many steaming cups] | |
| Everything I see only feeds my growing paranoia! After several weeks researching Bill, I went to town for food only to find this → [sketch of the Blind Eye symbol, the single eye with the slit pupil with an 'X' through it] mysterious symbol everywhere. Two nights later, I glimpsed a group of hooded figures. They ran away from me yelling, "It is unseen!" [sketch of a totally concealed figure in the Society of the Blind Eye robes, with the symbol on their hood] ← THERE IT IS AGAIN! As I pursued them, I responded, "No it isn't, you creeps! I can see you just fine!" Then they threw some trash cans in my way and vanished. Why can't I shake the idea that this new cult is somehow connected to me and my work? Can it merely be coincidence that my own project has reached this critical juncture at the same time this group has shown itself? The symbols are so familiar.... The Blind Eye WHAT DOES IT MEAN? CAN'T BE UNSEEN! [another, larger drawing of the symbol in the middle of the page] ??? ?? Are they trying to stop him? Or are they trying to stop me from stopping him? That doesn't make any sense. I cannot keep going like this without some sort of rest. I can barely think straight. | Encrypted: [symbols] (Bill's Symbol Substitution Cipher: "IF MY SUSPICIONS ARE CORRECT THIS IS THE WORK OF FIDDLEFORD DOES HE REALLY HAVE TO GO TO SUCH GREAT LENGTHS TO FORGET") |
| [one seemingly entirely blank page] | Invisible Ink: I HAVE DECIDED TO USE INVISIBLE INK TO KEEP AWAY PRYING EYES. ANYONE COULD BE WATCHING ME! |
| The folly of recording my dangerous knowledge in book form, where it can be seen by anyone, is more clear to me than ever. Despite using coded language and splitting my portal instructions among 3 volumes, I can't shake the feeling that the wrong person will read this work. It seems to me that I need another, even more secretive way to record my thoughts, something visible yet invisible. Something I learned about in chemistry class back in college... Ways to Hide [there is a large sketch on the page of an inkwell—INK helpfully written on the label—with a feather pen in it, a still-corked vial, and a shining lamp] Even in the blackness, light can be found. My enemy can be outsmarted. Let's hope... | Invisible Ink: [the page is much the same, but INVISIBLE has been written above the INK label on the inkwell] |
| Staying awake confounds me. To calm myself I retreated to the only sanctuary I have known over the past couple of weeks—the Triple Digits Truck Stop out on Route 14. [a sketch of the truck stop, with its huge lumberjack statue outside holding its ax; the lumberjack's eyes have slitted pupils] Their industrial-strength coffee is the best method I have for staying awake, and yet even after 6 cups I was still drowsy. A kindly looking trucker noticed that I was "having shutter trouble" and offered some suggestions to stay awake: Pinch yourself. Pinch someone else. They'll punch you awake. Put peanut butter on your face and let a dog ride shotgun. (He'll lick you awake.) Put peppers in your eyes. Just give up, Sixer. I blinked with a panicked start. Had I begun drifting off? Had he really just called me...? [a sketch of the trucker, the waitress, and other shadowed figures in the truck stop, all staring, all with slitted pupils] I reared back and heard my plate of bacon crash on the floor. Everyone in the diner turned towards me, and perhaps it was just the sunrise coming in through the window, but at that moment, I swear that all their eyes were GLOWING YELLOW. I SCREAMED, "GET OUT OF MY MIND, CIPHER!" and ran towards home as fast as my weak legs could carry me. No one in this town can be trusted. He has eyes everywhere, and they are watching my every move. I collapsed by the parking lot of the Twin Bed Motel. I stared at the word "twin" as I tried to catch my breath, and I realized that there was only one person left in this world that I could possibly trust with my secrets. I began forming a plan. | |
| Hiding Places The time for half-measures is over. If I am ever going to continue my work, then my enemy must be confronted and defeated forever! I must begin a several-day journey to the accursed caves that brought him into my life. If there is a way to destroy him, I will find it there. But before I can begin this odyssey, I need to dispose of my journals. They're too valuable to destroy, but the information contained inside is too dangerous, and I shudder to think what might happen if they were to fall into the wrong hands.... I've already hidden Journal 2 near the elementary school. I doubt there is any child clever or conniving enough to discover it. I have another place in the woods picked out for this volume, but I've had a devil of a time figuring out where to hide Journal 1. I realized thatit should be taken a sfar away from Gravity Falls as possible. Ideally I would take it myself, but I need to make this trip to the caves. The first snow has already fallen, and the journey will only get more treacherous the longer I delay. My former assistant refuses to speak to me, so I cannot enlist his help. Ironically, the only other person left that I can trust is the least trustworthy person I know. He is a thief and a charlatan—but a well-traveled one. I have no doubt that he is familiar with mob hangouts and back alleys the wide world over. He will find somewhere to hide Journal 1. I have sent word to him and now must await his arrival. Perhaps he can yet prove his worth to me. Perhaps the mistakes of the past can be undone. There's nothing I can do now but wait. | |
| [after a page that only has some alchemical symbols on it, there's a page with several ciphers on it, some random numbers, and a drawing of something labeled "fig. 4"] I fell asleep on my cot only to awake sitting at my desk staring at the strange symbols inscribed below. They make no sense sideways, either. He is taking advantage while I sleep. Please, no! | Encrypted: [symbols] (Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher: "YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE PAL DONT YOU UNDERSTAND IM ONLY TRYING TO FREE YOUR DIMENSION") [symbols] (Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher: "I ASK YOU WHY SHOULD TIME ONLY MOVE FORWARD WHY MUST CAUSE PRECEDE EFFECT WHO VOTED ON THE LAWS OF PHYSICS") [symbols] (Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher: "RULES ARE PERVERSIONS AGAINST ALL WILL THATS WHY IM ABOUT TO REWRITE THE WHOLE SYSTEM BUDDY AND NO ONE IS GOING TO STOP ME") |
| Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm being watched. I must hide this book before He finds it. Remember—in Gravity Falls, there is no one you can trust. TRUST NO ONE! The odds that one of his agents, perhaps possessed, will access my research grow stronger. I fear my time is running out. So tired... | Invisible Ink: CAN'T SLEEP! CAN'T SLEEP! CAN'T SLEEP! CAN'T SLEEP! CAN'T SLEEP! CAN'T SLEEP! CAN'T SLEEP! [TRUST NO ONE! is circled for emphasis] CAN'T SLEEP! CAN'T SLEEP! |
| [there is actually a picture of guide to the Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher drawn, taking up half the page, with a single eye in the middle] When I close my eyes, I see these ominous patterns and symbols. When I open my eyes, they have been written in my journal! I am not the one drawing these!! Am I?? ??? My mind has been stretched to the limit. He's trying to control me. Trying to write in my journal during the few minutes I'm asleep. I have gambled with my future and perhaps humanity's future as well. No more writing. The time has come to bury this tome. After that, all there is left to do is wait for S. And save the world. Or lose my life in the effort. | Invisible Ink: [there are a bunch of scribbles and attempts to figure out the guide to the cipher, as Ford is obviously unsure what it's meant to be at this point, and drawn over the eye in the middle is a frowny face] IS THIS RIGHT? I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE! |
[symbols] (Combined Symbol Substitution Cipher: "CURSE THE AXOLOTL EVERY CONSPIRACY IS TRUE") |